Obsession: Obits

Of course you know that I am mildly obsessed with the daily Utah obituaries. (It has to be Utah. For some reason everywhere else has very boring obituaries.) Each life is a mystery and how they are summed up at the time of their parting is the biggest clue. Here are a couple of my obituary reading favorites.

1. First, I scan the page for the young and the misfits. In the obits you only have a few lines to point you towards a hard life. If they are young, I always check how many different last names in the survivors list. Does the dearly departed have a different last name than his or her parent's and children. This is the sign of a hard life.

Is the last name different than BOTH parents, two or more surviving children AND the "special love of her life"? This is the sign of a really hard life and possibly substance abuse.

2. Any obituary for women from central Utah (75 years old and up) who have the same maiden name as their married name. LaBulla Christiansen Christiansen. Or anyone with the blended name of their parents or grand parents. One particular favorite Utah name is Ernatrude, daughter of Ernest and Gertrude.

3. Any time there is more than one obituary for the same person on the same day. Dueling Obituaries is a technique of feuding families. Hopefully it is feuding adult children vs. brazen hussy.

4. Dueling Obituaries is especially sad (and interesting) when it is the death of a child and the parents are divorced and no longer on speaking terms. Blame? It is really bad news if the two obits have different memorial services listed. (I have seen it. And the ex-wife "outed" the father of her child in her version.)

5. Any obituary that is penned by the deceased. Autobiographical obits are nice, I think. It shows they had their affairs in order and were itchin' to get to the other side.

6. Any obituary that is classically "Utah" in it's nature. Does it begin with " ... having been born of goodly parents."? (Who are you, Nephi?) Or, even better, does it say "Survived by WIVES, Rachel LaBaron and Leah LaBaron.

7. Any time there is a skydiving death, age 31 with 6 kids, next to a colon cancer death, age 83 with 47 grandkids. The geriatric colon guys family says,"Please, make sure your loved ones get regular check ups. Tragically, our grandpa could have been with us for 10 more minutes if he had gone to the doctor sooner." While the skydiver's family always says, "We're just glad he died doing something he loved."It's like they're just glad he's gone. They might as well just say, "We're just glad he died." and forget the "doing something he loved" part. (No comment, Kim.)

8. Dead Babies! Ok, there really needs to be a LAW! Any baby that is born at 21 weeks of gestation and doesn't make it REALLY shouldn't be photographed and put in the paper! Creepy. I can understand a snap shot of a little hand or foot, but no faces please.

9. Mental illness (suicides), AIDS and other maladies that could be labeled by the surviving family as either guilty or innocent. You can always tell if someone is pointing fingers. Who made the list of survivors? Did Darren's boyfriend show up? How about the dead beat, drug pushing ex-husband of the 29 year old mother? She was survived by baby Paradise Rose Diamond.

These are all very juice descriptions of various styles of obituaries and, therefore, people. They are the last finger prints of people who once sat in your chair. But most obituaries are boring, predictable. They are people who live long lives and leave behind no sticky situations with multiple sir names. Ironically, this is the category I hope to end up in. Usually I just glimpse at the nice little old ladies who lived respectable lives. That is unless they fall into my final group of extraordinary obituaries. This leads us, finally, to ...

10. True Love. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the perfect example of True Love -- Brother and Sister Barrus. I have to explain, I never knew Sister Barrus of Springville or her dear Walter. I just met her today in the obituaries. Maybe she'll be my friend on the other side.

Ellen June Johnson Barrus, my dearest sweetheart and eternal companion passed away on February 18, 2008. She was my support, my comforter, my companion and my love.

My sweetheart was born June 11, 1936. We began our eternal journey together on December 20, 1958. We have been blessed with six children and fifteen grandchildren. We served six missions together, including missions to Mongolia and New Zealand. Mission papers were submitted for another mission the night before my sweetheart passed on.

I cannot adequately express my feelings for my sweetheart and for the many years of joy and happiness she has brought to me. Eternity will be a wonderful experience with you by my side. Your very thankful eternal companion and husband, Walter R. Barrus.

(I am just glad they got to be together for Valentine's Day.)